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| Some
afterthoughts |
11/9/2001 |
| I've been laying down on my brother's bed (easier to
access than mine) and I've been thinking a lot about my feelings
towards Kelli, asking if I really love her. I still don't know the
answer, but right now I think it's "no". I thought of all the times
and troubles we went through together, and I thought of how
sometimes, while talking to either Scott or Josh, I wouldn't try to
stop them from saying something to her that I knew would hurt her,
not always, but once in a while I thought of letting them dig
themselves a hole, knowing I would be there to cheer her up later.
I can't believe how I could be this way, just so I would look
good. So I would be the "good guy". What kind of a friend is that?
That's not caring. So I figure that maybe I don't love her, maybe I
just want her to like me, so I try to act like I love her and
actually convince myself of it. I know Josh or Scott would never do
that, they would never allow someone to hurt her. Maybe they are
better for her, and I'm only good as a friend. I don't know, this is
just how I feel right now, I could feel differently later, or maybe
I won't. I don't know if this is right or not, I just know that I
feel it's right at this moment. |
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