But it is a sucky day in other ways. I don't really feel like doing anything, not even listening to my music while I type. I don't even know what I'm going to type about here. My friend Nick is bummed because his parents are getting divorced and he doesn't want to choose. My ex, Kelly (not Kelli) thinks she's nothing and she doesn't see why anyone even talks to her. She knows she cares about me, but she thinks she's mean. She hates everything just about, but then again she likes a lot of things when she's in a good mood. And she's always putting herself down, saying that no one likes her. She knows I like her, but she says I shouldn't. That there is nothing to like, she's just a nobody. At least I got her so say thanks because I guess I made her happy for the moment. She hasn't been happy about anything for a long time.

Kelli suddenly doesn't care. Scott is depressed and she blames herself. I don't know the whole story, but he would say it's his fault and she would say it's hers. She thinks that no one likes her, that they just think they like her. And I just think I care, but that's enough for her. Basically I feel that I will never make her happy, no matter how hard I try. She thinks I am mad often. I honestly don't think it is POSSIBLE for me to be mad at her, but she doesn't think so, or she doesn't even care. If I did get mad, she would just think I'm like everyone else and she deserves it. And if I'm depressed she says "I just depress everyone I talk to." But it's because she is depressed that I am. She went to a festival today, and had lots of fun. I am happy to hear that, but oddly I don't feel any better. I should, if I care about her I should.

I think only she could make me feel better, but I don't think that will happen for a while. I'll end up doing it myself. And now she will probably blame herself for this too, but it's not her fault. It's not her fault I like her. It's not her fault she loves Scott and doesn't want to hurt him. It's not her fault she doesn't want to hurt Josh. I try my hardest to show I care, make her feel good, make her happy, but nothing has changed. She is still just as depressed as always. I don't even know if I make any difference in her life besides making her maybe feel a little better for the moment I am talking to her. But after that it's back to being depressed. Sad she hurts everyone, or she thinks she does. She doesn't even like having a boyfriend I don't think, but she only does it because it would hurt Scott if she broke up. She said she's his for as long as he wants her. That's not a mean person who says that. She obviously is nice.

I think Josh might be good for her, but I don't want Scott hurt either. Josh always says how she looks good and sounds good and he really likes her. If he likes her so much, then heck, I'm not going to interfere. I don't want to make any trouble, or anyone sad. Scott tells me not to worry, but I can't help it. She seems to be less interested in me lately. I probably just depress her more when she knows I'm sad. I want to just stay off AIM sometimes, but I know that it would make her even sadder that I'm not on. I just want her to be happy, but so does Scott and Josh, and they seem to have a better chance with her. She said no one should need her, well no one should need me either, except when they need help with the computer. Whatever she thinks about herself, then she should think the same about me. She's nice like me, she's sweet and caring like me. People like her for it, people think it's normal with me. Well, she is talking to Josh on the phone right now, she wanted to cheer him up, I'm waiting for her to get done because she wants to talk to me after she is done. I just hope she doesn't come back all depressed.