Well, I'm going to try to write about nothing. Just write whatever comes to my head. Let's see what the first thing is. Hmm......Kelli. Yep when I push everything out of my head and then just let whatever wants to come to my head, that's the first thing I thought of. We didn't get to talk long yesterday but she sent me an email which was a very nice surprise. I read it and was happy. She had been kind of ignoring me and I didn't really notice it, I just thought she was busy. Or she was just in one of her moods. But she explained why she was ignoring me. She said something about what we always talk about, and how it was going really bad right then. I still am not sure what she is talking about. We talk about Scott and Josh and there could be something going badly with them. We talk about meeting in real life, but I can't see how that would be going badly. Only her and I know about it. And my family but they don't mind really. So I can't think of what we talk about often that could be going badly enough for her to not talk to me much and be sorry about it. Hmm, oh well.

I started working on my game again for the first time in a long time. It's an RPG (where you go around talking to people and you get in battles and buy weapons and follow a complex storyline) and I'm using a program called RPGMaker 2000. It is a great program, very handy. I wrote a science fiction/fantasy novel when I was a freshman in high school and the game is based on that, but there is much more in the game. I recently created a title screen for it using photoshop and it looks really cool I think. The game is called "Light". I'm not smart enough to know how to put a picture in here, and I'm even dumber because I went to Kelli's diary and went through all of her entries because I knew she asked how and got an answer and I still don't know how. Oh well, this is my diary and I can lack the knowledge of how to put a picture in it if I want to! Okay! I can even write this sentence which has absolutely no meaning whatsoever because this is my entry and I can do whatever I want. Well, not exactly WHATEVER I want. I have to follow this: "Please note: Sexually explicit, racist, or other offensive language is forbidden on this site. Writing on this site is moderated, and diaries that violate the Rules of the site will be deleted."

Like I would really write that kind of stuff. I'm not a bad person. I'm not perverted. I'm not sick. When I see a picture of a girl I notice her face first (unless its porn, but I haven't looked at that in such a long time, it doesn't even appeal to me anymore). I have talked to the cool Josh lately and he seems to need Kelli more than I do and needs come before wants. I just want her, no matter who wanted to go out with me I would want to go with Kelli instead. I can't really see myself going out with anyone besides her, but I'm fine right now just being good friends (even though we would be better friends if we were going out). I want to be as good of friends with her as I can be and boyfriend and girlfriend would be the closest we can get.

But Josh seems to need her. Hearing her voice is his medicine he told me. And he loves her name and he thinks she is very beautiful. I think she looks good. Not the best I've seen, but definitely not the worst. I am not saying she is ugly at all, I like her looks. When I look at her picture it makes me feel good inside, and I don't feel that when I look at anyone else's picture no matter how pretty they are. I just feel good which is why I look at her picture almost every day. But Josh said that she is the only thing he wants in his life, or the only thing he couldn't live without. I'm not about to ruin someone's life, I can live just being her good friend.

I have to confess that every night I pretend I'm holding her or someone else. I pretend about someone else because I don't think she would want me to hold her, so I just pretend I'm holding someone without an identity, but sometimes it's Kelli. It depends on what we talked about that day and how she was feeling. If she was feeling lonely then I would probably go to sleep holding her. I love holding, or I would love holding because I never have done it to anyone in real life. I am odd though. I don't just pretend I'm holding her, I go about it strangely, but I like it this way better. I don't pretend my pillow is her, I pretend my pillow is me and I am her. Okay, laugh all you want, I don't deny it, this is my diary and diaries are for telling things that mean something to you. I am not going to tell my deep dark secret in here though, that is reserved for Kelli only.

And I don't do anything bad or gross while pretending either. It's just a nice little snuggle and it really makes me feel better if I'm sad just pretending she is right there. And if I'm not sad, then she most likely is and then I fantasize of her/some nameless girl holding onto me because I'm the only one who can make them feel better. Okay, I'm hopeless and obsessed or something. I'm a sissy some guys would say, or I'm too mushy. Well, so what. I feel sorry for people who can't be mushy with someone they like or trust. Um, no more thoughts are coming to my head now. They all just stopped. So I guess I will stop too. Please don't feel embarrassed about this Kelli. This was not meant to embarrass you at all.