She said she doesn't want me to think about her that much. She wants me to find some other local girl for me to date. So basically I should stop liking her that way and start liking someone else. Someone whom I will be happy with obviously, meaning I won't be happy with her. Now, I don't date just for fun, expecting to end it sometime. I date to find a future wife. So I won't go out with anyone unless I think that I may marry them someday. With that in mind, if I were to go out with someone else besides Kelli, then I would have to totally disregard any thoughts of wanting to go out with her for me to be able to start liking someone else. I would of course hope that the relationship would last to marriage, and would give it my all to ensure it does. And if it did not last, or work out with them, I don't think I could start liking Kelli that way again. I can't just go back and forth between liking people to that extent. It would be a big depressant to love someone, hoping it lasts forever, and then it just ending. If that were to happen, I would be very careful to make sure that the next person I date will last, since I don't want to go into a relationship if I know it will fail. I couldn't handle the heartbreak from every relationship. People might think I'm weird being this way, or maybe they think I should just take dating less seriously. Well maybe so, but no matter how weird it is, it doesn't change the fact one bit that it's how I am. If anything, this will probably make her on my mind even more; at least for the time being.

I told her that if she died, I wouldn't go out with anyone for a long time. She asked why. I thought the answer would be obvious, but I guess it's only obvious to me since it's normal for me. Try to think of this: Imagine you are a very talented artist and you are working on the drawing of a lifetime. You expect it to take 30+ years to finish. You are partway done with it and it is looking very good. You put most of your time and effort into it. You look back and see certain parts of it that you had trouble with, and then you remember drawing that part so many days ago, weeks even. Maybe months. You can tell stories about the trouble you had during certain parts of the picture, and it brings back many memories. You often just sit back and look at what you have done so far. You want to finish it, but you want it to take a long time. Then there is a fire and it burns up. Do you want to start a new one? Personally I wouldn't want to. Or would you want to start drawing a large one like this knowing you won't get to finish it? Nope. This example is the best way I can describe how I feel about going out. In high school I had the attitude that "I like her and I want to go out with her." Not anymore.

In other news, I threw up last night. What fun. I took my temperature this morning and it was at 98.6. So I guess I'm not sick, but that means that something else made me throw up. I ate mashed potatoes, peas, and turkey for dinner. I didn't have anything else that would upset my stomach. I don't know what did it, but I felt really dizzy too; enough to where it was hard to stand straight. Oh, and I've only had alcohol once in my entire life and it was at a wedding in 1 glass of champagne. And I've never done drugs of any type, not even tobacco. So don't go thinking I was drunk or high, lol.

I hope to talk to Kelli today because she said that she would explain something later and I didn't get to get on last night. I really want to know what she has to say, and I really hope it is some good news. Maybe something that explains all this to where it isn't nearly as bad as I think it is. We'll see what happens, I'll just wait until then.