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| Why must things
be wrong? |
5/14/2002 |
| I feel so unimportant lately. I'm a supporting
character in life. You know how the main characters have love and
lose it, and then have it again? It turns out they never lost it.
Then the movie's over, happy ending. Guess what? The main character
has a best friend, and they want to be with someone also, but they
don't get together by the end of the movie because it's not a big
part of the plot, it just adds depth. Makes the movie more realistic
by having someone else like someone that doesn't have anything to do
with the story, like if a bird flies by. Maybe they do get together
at the end, and it makes the movie happier, but people don't expect
it, they don't wait for it to happen, it's just a nice little
surprise at the end. Well, I feel like that person. At home, I'm the
one who fixes the computer all the time. What do I get in return?
Everyone's expectations that it should work fine and that I should
stop whatever I'm doing to help someone on it. I've been having to
work late and when I come home, my sister is on the computer. She
says I can get on it whenever I want when she's at school, don't
even bother that Kelli is at school during that time also. My dad's
been sick here for a week or so. I haven't talked to Kelli for 4
days (that's a lot to go without for me) and I just broke that
tonight by talking to her. It was okay, not what I wished for, what
I longed for, what I missed. I feel like I've gone another day
without talking to her. One good thought I can hold onto is going
and seeing her, but now I wonder how good that would actually be. It
would suck if someone else was on her mind most of the time. There
was once a time I thought I was the most important person in her
life. Sure she had friends, but I thought I was special. I thought I
was different than them. I thought my luck was changing from high
school. No girls liked me in high school. I always hoped that
someday, some girl would like me for who I am. I would make a
difference in their life. They had never met anyone like me, and
they wanted to be with me forever. They would have friends of
course, but they would be friends and I would be more. I hoped I
could walk into someone's life and become as much a part of it as
they are. I thought that had happened. I was wrong. Why must
everything be wrong? Why is there always someone better for someone?
Why can't I be a main character in someone's life instead of the
supporting character described above? I really enjoyed my time spent
with Kelli. I thought it meant something really special to do what
we did. I guess it's not, but I still liked it just the same. I
thought someone would only do that with their main character, so I
thought I was the main character. I took what I knew and put things
together, and based everything on that. Well, now I know that what I
knew was wrong, so what I put together is wrong, and so everything I
based on it is wrong, and this particular thing being wrong results
in much depression for me. Besides, she said it was new, so that's
why she was so much for it. I just miss her, I miss thinking she
loves me. I miss being the main character, or thinking I was. She's
the main character in my mind. Well, many thoughts to keep me awake
tonight. I am very grateful to have her as a friend though. I have
not lost all hope yet, and thank goodness for that. Who knows, it
could get better. |
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