| Well, today sucked badly at work. Everyone kept
asking me if I was awake or not. Yes people, I'm wide awake! I'm
just reeeeeeeeally depressed! When the people greeter saw me, she
said, "Smile! You're on Candid Camera." I said, "I wish." Yeah, if
this was just a Candid Camera prank, it would be great. Sorry
though, this is real life and I have to pay for my bad deeds. I
must've looked sad because when I was coming back through Receiving
from putting some cardboard in the bailer, a lady working in there
asked me if I was a stockman. I said I was. She said, "Well don't
look so happy about it!" I looked back at her and she said, "I'm
just kidding!" I told her I'm having best friend troubles, and she
said that sucks. When I told her that, I suddenly got right on the
brink of bursting into tears right in front of her, but I controlled
it. I almost cried 2 other times, but I was in public so I stopped.
I was asked to watch the merchandise ouside the store that's in the
sidewalk sale, so I had some time to sit by myself and think. It was
covered and there were tall stacks of stuff so I could be alone.
Now, if you are wondering what is wrong, then I could tell you
everything, but that would just be doing what I'm in trouble for, so
I'll not mention any names, and just say it generally.
My best friend, whom I care about dearly, has been hurt by me. She
trusted me, told me secrets that was meant to be just between me and
her, and I, on numerous occasions, forgot to think and told others.
She found out, but that doesn't really matter. What matters is that
I told her secrets. I don't know why I did it. Well, actually, I
know the reasons, but I don't have a clue why those reasons were
good enough for me to tell. See, I'm a very open person. I trust way
more than anyone should. People are trustworthy until proven
otherwise. People are nice until proven mean. That's just how I
think. If someone asks me what's wrong, I automatically tell them.
Sure, that's okay because it's my stuff to tell. But I remained in
that mode when dealing with my friend's secrets, and that was not my
right to do. I regretted it later, but the deed was done. She
deserves a lot better than I have given her. She's great, I couldn't
ask for a better friend. She deserves a real friend, and I really
hate that I can't be that for her. She trusted me and I abused it as
much as someone can.
When I'm lonely and missing her, I imagine her standing there.
It's always the same image. She is standing there, with her green
coat on, and her hair in a pony tail; such beautiful hair. I love
it! She has her hands folded and hanging in front of her. She would
always look at me with those to-die-for eyes, and her face,
so... sweet I guess the word is. I just want to run over and give her
a giant hug! But now, I picture her, and the only thing I can think
of is that I hurt this person. Someone who trusted me, was my very
good friend, I have betrayed. It makes me so sad. I feel so bad
about it. Look, I'm even getting watery eyes now. I will do anything
she wants me to. I WILL make it up to her somehow. I will NEVER tell
anyone anything about her that she doesn't want me to, and if I had
told something about her in this entry that she didn't want me to,
I'm very sorry. I don't care what happens to me, I just want her to
be happy, at any cost of me. I just hope she finds a friend sometime
who will be a true friend. *tears roles down cheek* She deserves so
much better. I'll be as best I can for her though. |
