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| Interesting
life... without the life |
6/27/2002 |
| As people have told me, some more than others, I need
a life. Well sure, maybe I do, but first I'll tell you a little
about the one I've had so far. I was raised by my parents (not by
wolves like Moglie, or gorillas like Tarzan) and as such, I grew up
with their influence. My parents are totally religious, have been
since I was born. Religion is the main part, if not the whole of
their lives. We were always encouraged to play with the brethrens'
children (people of our church). I don't really remember exactly
why, but none of us (my siblings and I) really ever went to friends'
houses. Sure we went to our friends' houses from our church, but
hardly ever of our friends outside. Our church is like family, and
our friends from it are like cousins. Yes, Nick is like a cousin to
me I guess. Anyway, I always felt different from my friends at
school. They always were in a group and talked amoungst themselves,
but never seemed to talk to me individually, just when I was in the
group. They often visited each other's houses, but I had only been to
Jonathon's a few times. My mom told me that others of the brethren's
kids felt a little out-of-place. One of them (he was much older now)
would pray before eating lunch at school and his friends would ask
what he's doing and he would say he just doesn't want to eat yet.
When one of us would go to a friend's house, it was like just a
natural thing that you didn't go back over there for a while; all of
my siblings felt that way, and it was normal. If one of us did want
to, my parents would say something like, "But you were just over
there." My friends at school would make a big deal if I displayed
any beginnings of rebellion, or being bad. I didn't see how I did
things different from them, but obviously they did. I had never said
anything about sex, but they all knew somehow that I wouldn't do it
until after marriage. If I even got mad at something they would be
surprised. My parents didn't like the idea of me visiting Kelli,
because they knew I liked her and I wasn't waiting on the Lord. Now
that I'm 19, they still frown a little on me vising Carly, and
mention something about it every once in a while, but they aren't
going to say I can't since I'm 19. It's just that I'm getting too
attached to people outside my church, and Satan can use my desire to
move away from my church against me, trying to make me get caught up
in the things of this life and not of God. Sure they think it's
perfectly fine that we have friends, but it would be a plus if they
were all people from our church.
Now, I've never had a girlfriend (in real life that is) and I
guess I'm just really lonely. Nick has been my closest friend, and
not until recently did someone come into the picture that I felt
just as at-home around: Carly. I sometimes find myself wondering if
I should ask her out, but I think that's just my loneliness talking.
I know I don't like her that way, I just feel really comfortable
around her. I just long for someone I can hold, lay my head on, take
naps with, joke around with, and all my life I was under the
impression that only the closest of boyfriends and girlfriends did
that. I know better now. Anyway, I can do that with Carly, but I
don't know how much. I don't want to ruin anything by doing this
stuff and making her scared that I like her. I just want her to
understand we're just friends and be okay with doing that stuff. The
only reason I want a girlfriend is so I can do those kinda things,
just have someone there for me, and know that I always have them,
but if I can have that in a friend, then that's okay, too. Someone
being my girlfriend just signifies that they like me enough to go
out with me, and knowing me, I care a huge amount if others like me.
Not so much what they think about me, as long as it doesn't hinder
how much they like me (liking as friends). I just want someone to
like me (as more than friend) more than they like anyone else. I've
never had that, and I just want someone to be with like that. I see
so many couples everywhere I go, and I wonder how I'm different. I
don't blame my parents, though. I wouldn't change how I was raised
even if I could, since I believe in our religion 100%, I just want a
life outside of it, too, but I feel like I just moved to a new state
and have to start making friends from scratch. I don't really need a
girlfriend, I don't know what I want. Just someone I guess. Carly
and Kelli are so far the only ones (girls) but I don't see Carly and
me dating and, well, Kelli... that's complicated and I feel I've already
compromised her feeling comfortable and relaxed around me a little.
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