The first time was at Kelli's house. We were on her computer and she got on my AIM screen name and talked to Becky. She learned from her how I had told her things that Kelli definitely didn't want me telling people about. I was a complete idiot. Anyway, after we got off the computer and we were both in her room, I asked what "punishment" she would give me, since I felt really bad about what I did, and I figured I should make it up to her, or at least having something unpleasant done to me also. She told me I can't be in her room the whole day, and I would have to watch all 3 of the "Scream" movies. I was already planning on watching them sometime with her, so I didn't see that as a very big punishment, and the staying-out-of-her-room part could only cause a little disappointment, unless she stayed in there a lot. I promptly left her room and went downstairs for the movie. I sat on the floor at the foot of the couch and put my head down. The feeling had started. I felt a little tight inside, the feelings that lead to tears. I was thinking about what I had done. The punishment itself was nothing. I had betrayed her, just like the other people in her life. She didn't deserve that, she had never done anything to me. She was always a good friend. But, thinking about something else didn't make the feeling lessen, and thinking about what I had done to her didn't make it grow. It stayed the same regardless. Then she came down and saw me, and sat on the couch directly behind me. I guess she wondered what was wrong, or she knew what was and didn't want me to be sad. Whatever the reason, she started rubbing my shoulders and head. You would think that would make me feel better, wouldn't you? I sure would think that would make me feel a little better, but right when she started caressing me, the urge to cry doubled. I wondered if I would cry right then and there. I didn't, though, but I was pretty darn close. But why had this made me feel like crying even more? This showed she wasn't too mad at me to do this. This was a good thing, so why did it make me feel like crying a lot more? She got the movie started and I went and layed on the floor with the pillow and blanket. She laid behind me. The movie started and the feeling gradually went away as I got into the movie, but then she paused it because her dad was in the other room and talking to her. The feeling came back, though the thought about me telling Becky Kelli's secrets or what I had done hadn't even crossed my mind. The feeling just seemed to return on it's own. I actually thought I was going to cry right then, and a few tears left my eyes, but I think the thought of crying in front of her dad stopped me. He was kind of behind us. He left and I looked at her, but couldn't tell if she noticed my eyes or not. We continued the movie and the feeling passed.

The second time it happened was also at her house. We were both laying on her bed on our backs and looking at the ceiling. I was quoting a scene in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" to her since she hadn't seen it. Her mom came in and told us we couldn't be in her room on the bed, and for me to get out. I went downstairs and confirmed with her mom that I couldn't be in her room. She said I was right, I can't be in there. The next day when I was there alone, since everyone was at either work or school, Kelli came home. She always gets home first. She went into her room and I went in there, too, and laid on her bed with her. After a short time, I thought I heard a sound downstairs and thought it might be her mom coming home. I went out of her room and checked. No one was there. I didn't want to chance it, so I stayed out of her room the rest of the time, but told her it was because I was afraid her mom would come home without me knowing and I didn't want to disobey her and be sent home. She said alright, and stayed in there. Great, I waited all day for her to come home and she goes in her room where I can't go. I could go on the computer, watch TV, draw, or anything else, but nothing sounded good, except sitting outside her door until she came out. I sat there a long time, and the urge to cry came again, though not as strong. I just sat waiting for her to finish what she was doing and come out, but I didn't want to bug her by asking when she was going to be done. She finally came out, but I didn't look at her or say anything. This is what I don't understand. Why didn't I feel any better that she came out? The thing that I was waiting for finally happened, so why didn't I feel any different? She stayed there a little bit with my back to her. Then she went downstairs, and I can't seem to understand why I didn't want to go with her. Why did I want to stay there outside her room? She was out now, I could be with her, so why did I feel the same and stay there as if I was still waiting for her to come out? She soon came back upstairs and went into her room again and shut the door. Then the feeling to cry increased. Again, I don't know why. I can't think of what it could be. If I was sad that she was in her room where I couldn't be, then why hadn't I felt even a shred better when she came out? There must be some reason, and I know in my heart the 2 occurences are related, but I can't figure out how...