| As if there ever was a Mr. Nice Guy. Apparently, I
haven't been. Today was okay at first, but it ended REALLY sucky. I
had left a note on my good friend's entry trying to be nice and
positive, and even helpful, to find out that she finds it dumb and
the worst of the notes she received. She did seem depressed about
whatever, but I was tired of trying to be a good friend and getting
burned all the time for it, so I spoke a piece of my mind to her
(which wasn't really nice on my part) and she tells me to shut up
and leave her alone. Then another of my friends got on. She had an
away message saying that she's gone to look for herself and if she
comes back before she returns, to keep her here. I love that phrase.
Well, I left a message basically saying that I've heard that before,
but what I wrote was "Oh, like THAT's really original *rolls eyes*".
I suppose it could be taken badly, but at the time I wrote it, I
meant it in a teasing way. Well, she asked me why I'm such a jerk
sometimes. You have no idea how bad that makes me feel. I hear girls
talk about guys being jerks all the time, and I make an effort to
not be that way, but it turns out I'm a pretty big one. I don't know
what to do anymore. If I stand up for myself and refuse to take
blame for a misunderstanding on both of our parts, they get mad. If
I apologize, they tell me to stop. And what's worse is I hurt
people and make them feel like crap without even knowing it. I'm
always told girls like guys who care, but when I care, they don't
like it or something. I'm just helpless here, with no idea how to
change what I say. It's like I can't do anything right without
something going wrong later on. I care for people but I show the
opposite with my actions, without trying to! I'm really tired of
things backfiring, and it's usually just normal conversation but I
offend someone somehow, but they don't tell me. Then I find out
later that all this time they didn't enjoy talking to me because of
how I made them feel. It's so heartbreaking...
You know, it does sound nice to go to sleep and never wake up. I
don't want to wake up tomorrow, or any day. Then I can't hurt anyone
by my words, or hurt them by ignoring them to prevent the first
option. I'm just lost. What is wrong with me! Why can't I be like
the guys who make people feel better, who cheer others up? Why can't
I help anyone, instead of just making things worse! Why must I be a
loser? If only I could disappear, never see anyone again. I could
easily do that online by just never getting on again, but I have to
go to work. I don't know what I should do, nothing sounds good. I
would miss them, though, and I couldn't live that way. Darnit, why
can't I be normal! |
