Maybe that's why no one likes me and would consider being more than a friend.

As I lay on the couch, I tried going over parts of conversations with various people, trying to see if anything I said could be taken rudely, trying to make them sound rude. There were a few things that I was shocked to find that if I had been the person it was said to, I would actually be a little hurt by it, but it sounded perfectly kidding and all in good humor when I said it to them. I imagined myself trying to talk to one of the people whom I offended the other day, trying to explain to them that I never meant anything harmful at all... ever. I imagined myself at work telling her that, and her not liking it, just because I was talking to her. I thought of something I could do to make it up to her. She's really into Star Wars, so what could I do with that? I could draw a picture... but of whom? And how long would it take? I imagined presenting her the picture and saying it was to make up for me being a jerk all the time, and as I thought about that scenerio, several tears escaped my eyes. People say crying is weak. If that's true, then I'm a weakling. But I think of crying as a good thing. Don't get me wrong, I hate to see someone cry all alone, or if I'm the one who caused them to... that just eats my insides, but if someone feels bad enough to cry, I think it's better to than to hold it in, unless you're in public and you'd rather not. But don't think any less of yourself when you do. I mean c'mon... nobody's THAT heartless -Pacha.

Well the rest of the day was spent doing breakfast cleanup, mopping the kitchen, and vacuuming downstairs. Luckily my dad was at work, my mom with Catie and Ben at some classes, Andrea at work, and Amy and Matt were both at school, I was able to listen to my music while I worked, though it didn't do anything to me. The happy songs from Dragon Ball seemed lifeless... as did the hard rock songs, the lyrics in Billy Joel's songs seemed to agree with me saying rude things, and the sad songs left me comparing each word to what had happened lately.

Heidi got on but wasn't in a cheerful mood, either, but it was just one of those days for her, but she did make me feel a little better by saying she thinks I'm really nice and trying to cheer me up, but that won't cut it. Sure if someone was mean to me, you can make me feel better, but if it was because of what I did to someone else, it's almost impossible to take that away until that person feels better.

It was cold today. I talked to one of my other friends, and she said she doesn't think I'm rude, but she wouldn't mind if I was. Somehow that doesn't sound right and could mean different things. It turns out, she would feel better if I was rude to her since she's rude to me. Now, I may not know much about what to say at what times, but to me, that doesn't sound like it would make for nice conversations. I can just imagine her saying something and me making a rude remark, and it would only be a matter of time before she would be telling me to shut up and then leaving me online. I know some of her friends, and I don't think they are mean to her, but she seems to get along with them fine, actually comments on how nice they are and is happy when they send her something. But for some reason I get more of a feeling she's less than happy when I try to be nice or caring. Maybe it's the way I say things. Maybe it's because she doesn't like me that way and is annoyed thinking I'm doing things to win her feelings... I don't know. I feel like an outcast, or a stranger whom people talk to, but not as comfortably as they do with their friends. I'm just worrying about what's going to happen at work tomorrow. Will my friend be there? Should I say anything to her? Would anything I say make a difference, or just make her mad that I'm talking to her? What could I say anyway? And what do other people there think of me, for my name has surely come up one time or another among co-workers who work together. *sigh* This sucks.