That's about every night, but these past days I've been thinking more of her. I mean, when I watch DBZ I pretend she's there watching them with me, like her head laying on a pillow on my lap or something, or leaning against my chest with us both sitting there and watching it. And I've been taking naps, not because I'm tired, but just to pretend she's there in my arms, too. I wonder if she ever thinks about me, and what she thinks. I know she doesn't like me that way, and Scott told me he doesn't think she and I will ever get together, even if I moved there, and he sounded pretty confident about it. Just sometimes I really really want to see her, and I feel trapped here in Oregon, and I feel trapped in my room, but I know going into another room will be light and loud with people, and I'll be no closer to her.

It would be nice to have a girlfriend, even if it's not her, but when I go hang out with someone, even some other girl I like in that way, it's never the same. I always feel like it's just tiding me over, like a puzzle piece that can fit, but not correctly. It's hard also knowing that even if I could be there with her, it's no guarantee that everything will be perfect, since she probably has someone else who is her correct puzzle piece. She has Bryan and Eddie and can't be unfair to them by favoring me. And also she has people whom she does have feelings for, like Michael and David. I just wish she could see how much I really care for her, and believe in that.