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| [Private Entry] |
| And what
about me? |
11/9/2002 |
| I don't understand love. I started liking Kelli soon
after I met her, and she liked me in that way, too. We would have
very nice conversations and she actually seemed to like compliments
and she would even compliment me and say I'm cute, and say she loves
me. She would want me to call her late at night. We talked about
going out sometime when we lived closer, and even about marriage.
She told me she thinks we could be really happy together, and in one
of her letters she said she has a sneaky suspicion that she could
marry me tomorrow and be happy for the rest of her life. When I
visited her she seemed to like me, too. Maybe she felt nervous about
taking naps with me, but she would ask for me to come over to her
and she would grab my arms and put them around her. And she would
willingly come lay with me without me even saying anything about it.
Then she stopped liking me that way, and our conversations
started getting less flirty and more small talk. We used to have
deep discussions of secrets and of feelings, but now it's just about
anime or movies mostly, or what happened that day. My display of
affection is often frowned upon, and when I do something nice I feel
like she doesn't appreciate it, and wishes I would leave her alone.
If I send her a gift, for example, I'm lucky to even hear that she
likes it. But if some other guy sends her something, they are sweet
for doing so. Is she just used to my kindness that she takes it for
granted now? Also, she used to be afraid of hurting my feelings, and
would try not to say things that would do so, but now it's my
problem if my feelings are hurt and I feel she makes no effort to
say things nicely.
She likes some other guy named Michael. So far from what she's
said about him, he's the nicest and most caring guy she knows, he
doesn't smoke or drink, he does things for her because he wants to,
not because he has to, and she likes his smile. Comparing him to me,
I can't see how I'm much worse. I don't smoke or drink, I sure care
for her and show it when I can, I'm always trying to help her with
things, I definitely would do something for her because I want to,
and I have before like giving her a foot massage because her feet
hurt, and she didn't even ask me to. Maybe my smile's not the
greatest, and maybe I'm not as good-looking as him, and maybe she's
known him longer and so he's had more time to do nice things, but in
all honesty, I don't see what's so much better about him, aside from
the fact that he lives near her. I don't know, maybe I think I'm
better than I really am. Maybe it's nothing that anyone can help,
and there's just something about him that attracts her; something
subconcious. I really don't know. I'm not even sure what to do
anymore. For some reason I get the feeling that if I sent her
something for her birthday or Christmas, she wouldn't like it as
much as if someone like Michael sent it. Man, what's up with me
anyway? |
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Baghands |
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