| Kelli always talks about not liking physical touch,
and personal space, and disliking when Bryan hugs her a lot and
wants to constantly be touching her. She was very nervous when I
took naps with her, one time I said something about feeling her head
just in joking, and she said to not talk about touching her head
because of her personal space thing. Thinking back to when I visited
her, I remember all the times I put my arm around her and how I made
attempts to hold her whenever I could, and I kick myself when I
realize how nervous I must have made her and how it probably made
her want to get away from me. She did do some of it on her own, but
I think it was because she knows I like it and she wanted me to be
happy. She's good at suffering things for others. And also she made
the comment that I remind her of a little boy, and I know how she
likes tickling Joey, and doing things with little kids, so she
probably was less reluctant to tickle me and hug me since she felt
the little kid in me instead of the romance.
But what I don't understand is why she wants a boyfriend. If she
doesn't desire the physical touch, then what does she want in a
boyfriend? Is it just to have someone to keep her company and hang
out with, and just to have a comfort in her mind knowing that
someone loves her and she loves him? Knowing that she has someone,
and not having to look? I guess that makes sense, and I guess that's
what I want in a girlfriend, too, I just like the holding and stuff,
too. But I would gladly sacrifice all the holding and hugging if I
could be with Kelli. I know this must sound pretty messed up, even
the fact that I would even think about this, but if there was some
bizarre deal made that the only way I could be with Kelli for the
rest of my life, as a girlfriend or wife or whatever, just as long
as I had her love, but I had to stay a virgin my whole life, I would
take the deal. Well, maybe I'm insane, I don't know, I don't know
what's wrong with me. That sounds like a crazy and stupid thing to
think of, but I guess people are right when they say I'm weird.
Kelli is like "The Truman Show" to me. Let me explain. On that
movie, people watched Truman probably their whole lives, and at the
end when if was over, the 2 security guards said, "Well, let's see
what else is on." That would be such an icky feeling, having to
watch something else, knowing that the Truman Show will never be on
again. It was probably something to watch when there was nothing
else on, you knew that you could always change it to that channel
and have something interesting to watch. But once it was over, that
safe feeling was gone, and it left an empty feeling in everyone who
watched it. If I were to lose Kelli for whatever reason, that would
be the same feeling. I would have to resort to solely my other
friends, and it would be like depending solely on the other shows. I
don't think this is true for any of my other friends. Nick is the
closest to that, but we don't depend on having good conversations
with each other, we depend on playing cool games and seeing movies
that we both like, and having the same interests. But with Kelli,
just being around her would be enough, and seeing movies with her
would be to be with her as much as it would be to see the movie.
Yeah, I guess this sounds depressing, but that's what this diary
is for, to get out my feelings so I don't have to contain them all
inside me, and forget about them. |
