She came to me as her RPing character and I thought we were going to RP. She soon corrected my asumption by telling me it's not a game, and only later did she identify herself when before it was just like she was in a bad mood. Her topic was my sending gifts, more specifically the comic books and the Christmas card with my family on it, where I comically labeled myself as "Mary Poppins" to bring a laugh, or at the very least a smile. Well, she brought that up and said it wasn't funny, that basically I'm pretty stupid for even thinking that. Let me tell you, that sure killed the humor in it for me, much more than when I didn't laugh at her Eminem joke. She said I joke around too much, and put on an act. She said I try to be cheerful all the time to help, but I'm not doing it for her. Supposedly I'm putting on this whole charade in order to make her like me, for me to be the most important person in her life. Sure, I admit I desire to be the most important. It's jealousy and I feel it a lot, but I'm really trying and hopefully making some progress to not let that affect anything. I can't change that about me, though. I feel it for others, too, though. When Carly is with Nick I feel jealous, and feel like she enjoys being around him more than me, even if she does things with me more. When Elizabeth comes in with her boyfriend, or talks to Mike, or even her female friends, I feel jealous. It's not right, but the best I can do right now is keep it inside and try not to let it affect anything. But regardless of that fact, I'm a nice person by nature. I can't remember the last time I've been mad at someone, and I listen to anyone's problems, and if anyone needs money I'm quick to lend it. I didn't get the comic books to make her like me, nor did I get the Star Wars Monopoly game for Carly to make her like me. Yes, that was a large part of my thoughts when I gave it to them, but it wasn't the reason I gave. Them liking me was just a very fortunate possibility that could have resulted from it, but I'd still give them gifts if I knew it wouldn't make me look any better. But I care about, and want her to be happy and feel good. I'd like to be the most important person to her, and some of the things I do seem promising to help my popularity with her increase, but that's just a possible side effect of something I do for her out of the goodness of my heart for her. I do things for her; for her happiness. It's not to help her, it's just because I'm her friend and I like inflicting joy, and if the only outcome is a smile on her face, then it wasn't a waste.

...It makes feel like crying to think she thinks I do things for her just to make me look good in her eyes.

She said Spring Break was a mistake. Maybe it was to her, but it was the best 2 weeks of my life.

Her friends were giving her anime and she was very happy with it. I wanted to get her something, too, and I guess that time was to sort of compete, but I got her a cross stitch of an oriental woman. She told me it's not really her style but it's nice. That made me feel bad that she didn't like my gift as much as what her other friends gave her. I then decided that it was the gift, not the person giving it. I tried to think of what I could get her that she would like a lot, and since Scott was giving her anime on a CD, and she already had "Real Bout High School", the only thing that came to mind was the "Planet Ladder" mangas that she had only read the first 2 of, and I knew she wanted to read the others. I got it thinking I would finally be able to give her something she would really like. Well, after only hearing what bad happened because of them, I felt she didn't like them, and the only reason I could think of was because they were from me, and for some reason things from me aren't good. Like "Yay, anime CD, yay, anime DVD, and who's are these comics from? Oh, from Jason. Why does he send me things?" But she told me she likes them a lot later on. She said the other friends mean more and they have more right to since they've been there longer. She said they are basically more special since they are truthful or something. That the gifts mean nothing. I wonder what is different about her other friends that mean so much to her. Maybe I don't have any right to think I should mean something like them, but I'm still curious as to what is different about them. She said I try too much. Maybe I do try too hard. But I don't know how to do differently. Do I have to be insensitive once in a while? Just randomly be rude so I'm not trying too hard? That just seems wrong, and it would be an act. I'd rather just be myself like I have been doing, and I guess if someone thinks it's fake or I'm trying to impress someone, there's nothing I can really do to change their opinion, but I'm not going to change. I want people to like me for who I am, and those who won't, I don't care if they like me.

As of right now, I'm confused. I don't know what she wants. I know how to be nice, but I don't know how to be nice to her. If I say something funny, will it be funny to her or be an annoyance to her seriousness? If I buy her something will she like it more or will she think more that it's to make her like me and that I don't really care about her feelings? I sure don't want to do anything to ruin our friendship, but she doesn't tell me everything so I'm afraid that the next thing I do may bring forth some disaster, but I don't want to just stop being nice for fear of that. *sigh* I'm not giving up, though. I'm still her friend and will be as long as she's on this earth.