First of all, what's with Kelli? Why is she so important to me? Why am I torturing myself with her? She doesn't like me! I'm more annoying than nice to her. I didn't want to admit, but I do try too much. I say stupid things, I get jealous over stupid things, I care too much about what she thinks. For what? So she can be reminded of how much of a loser I am? Like on the TMBG song "Sleeping in the Flowers" in which it goes "...don't wan't to be known as the freak who just comes around to catch her eye." That's what I feel like. Sure she likes the things I give her, like the Planet Ladder mangas, but it's just the mangas themselves she likes; not that I gave them to her. It means nothing that I give her things. She could care less. In fact, she probably wishes I didn't send her things. I try too hard. But why? Why do I try? I want her to like me. But how? Is it impossible for me to change anything? I'm nice to her. When I go to bed, I make up scenerios about us and pretend that I'm talking to her and that we're living together. It's always a snuggle-to-sleep scenerio, too. When I watch TV I imagine her watching it with me. Why must I be so obsessed with someone when there seems no hope of her ever loving me, or even liking me as more than a friend? Everything I do I make it worse. I push her away with every kind word, every kind gesture. It's just more proof to her that she can't get close to me without giving me the wrong idea. She used to be afraid of hurting my feelings. She used to hesitate before saying anything related to her not liking me as more than a friend. Now she'd say it in a heartbeat and sound insistent on it. There's no care for me anymore. I don't want to be selfish, but I sure show care for her. I thought that what went around came around. Karma and all that. She's taking a break from her online life right now. The ideas that that brings to my head are "Hey, absence makes the heart grow fonder." Ha, yeah right. I bet she doesn't miss me in the least. Chances are she won't have more than a quick thought about me because she saw something that I gave her once. I'm always hoping, though. Stupid hope. I'm always hoping that she really does like me, but she doesn't want to let me know and have it harder to be away. Usually when I hope things like that, and then am mean enough to myself to bring it up to her, my hopes are shattered. It's just that I don't want to let go of my dream of being with her. Holding her, looking into her eyes. Seeing her smile at me just because she's with me. Knowing that nothing will tear us apart. Knowing that I make her happy. Hearing her say she loves me, and her liking it when I say the same. But that would never happen. None of my hopes will. I'm going to pretend I'm holding her when I go to bed tonight. I don't care if it won't come to be. Doing that makes me happier than thinking of anything else. The depressing thing is that she wouldn't like to hear that. It wouldn't make her happy to know how much I like her. How much I love her. It just gets tiring for her. I'm always thinking of tactics, though. She said she wishes I would be rude to her since she's rude to me a lot. I've considered that and wondered if doing that would improve our bond. That doesn't seem like a very good way. I've thought of maybe being distant. I tried that and it didn't work. She just thought I was getting tired of her and she was easily willing to accept that. But everyone says to be yourself. I do that and nothing happens. Sometimes I wonder "what IS myself?" I want her to like me for who I am, but I'm just not willing to accept that she doesn't. I'm tired of thinking about her, even though I enjoy thinking about her more than thinking about anything else. I don't want to be stuck on someone who will never like me as I like her. But no one else gives me that safe, relaxed, at-home feeling. Finally having her would be like coming home from war. Darnit, why does love have to be so freaking painful!