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| Well diary, it's another screwed-up time. I'm
continuously confused about everything and I've stopped trying to
make sense of it. I just accept if someone's mad at me for whatever
reason and if they're giving me the cold shoulder, I stay away from
them as to not give them a chance to ignore me. People are in a
different mood every time I see them and I think it's stupid, so I
just let them do whatever and only talk with them if they try to
talk to me first, which tells me that I most likely won't be ignored
or made to feel dumb. For example: A few days ago I came into work
and passed by Mark and Carly. Mark said his usual line: "Hey! Skip
Junior!" and I nodded at him. Carly said, "Hey," and patted my arm.
A little later, I was doing a carry-out and I saw Carly with Mark
and Wendy, and she waved to me. I waved back. Then I was going to
break and I passed Carly and Wendy going the other way. Carly said
"hi" to me and I didn't say anything because I wanted to seem not to
notice her until I was right beside her and then I playfully elbowed
her. She turned around and said, "So you're not talking to me now?"
I told her that I was, but I just wanted to elbow her first. She
said to come talk to her in her department sometime. That's odd.
Usually I get the feeling that she doesn't quite enjoy me talking to
her when she's working. Oh well. I didn't go talk to her, though,
because I turned out to be too busy with my job. Well, the next day,
which was Sunday, I did go talk to her. Guess what? I tried to talk
about things but it wasn't encouraging getting mostly
acknowledgements from her while she walked all over not seeming to
notice me there while I followed behind her. So when we were near
the bikes, she walked off but I stayed there and watched the 2 kids
riding big wheels around the bike rack. Some other customer was
watching them, too, and he and I got to talking first about the kids,
but then about how many hours I get, and how much people there
generally get paid. After he left, Carly came by and asked what we
were talking about. The point is, first she wants me to come visit
her, but once I do, it's like she doesn't want me to anymore, but
once I leave, she wants to talk. The same for hanging out. Twice now
I've suggested doing something when I saw her getting into her car.
Both times the used the excuse that she doesn't have any money, and
once said that she was busy when I didn't take the money thing for
an answer. But then she's at home and calls me and says she might
want to do something. I've just stopped trying to figure it out and
just let her do whatever. The same with Melissa, too. One day she
smiles at me when she sees me and says that I'm so sweet when I
offer to save her some of the pizza that I got for lunch, and the
next she doesn't even wave back and makes me feel like an immature
boy with a crush on her trying to get her to like me by offering to
save some pizza for her instead of letting everyone else in the
break room finish off what I didn't eat. There's always an excuse if
someone isn't being talkative to me, like they are having a bad day
or once it was a hangover, but it never stops them from being all
happy around their other friends. Maybe everyone seems closer and
more comfortable around someone, and that someone is never me. But
again, who cares? If someone wants to talk to me, I'll talk. If they
want to ignore me for whatever reason, I'll make it easier and not
talk to them. I can't change anyone, so I just make it easier on me
and don't get involved.
Well, my friend, Kelli has deleted her diary, claiming it a waste
of time because people don't note her like she would like. I noted
almost every one of her entries and just recently stopped for a
while. I'm not even going to bother worrying about the fact that by
people noting her, she meant other than me. I'm past wondering if
anything I do means anything to her. I've become more of a problem
for her than a friend, to use her words exactly, and nothing I do or
have tried to do will change that. She said she may or may not read
my diary still. I'm thinking most likely not. If she won't "waste
her time" just because I want her to, then why would she do it
reading my diary? It matters not, however, I can't expect anything
to go the way I want it, and frankly things turn out the same for me
whether I'm nice or not with her, so why worry about what I say? She
claims I'm pretty much a jerk (not exactly in those words) no matter
what I do, anyway. Can you blame someone for liking someone else,
though? And possibly acting a little different because of it? Maybe
wanting to talk to them a lot and being oblivious to any meanness
they show you. I really did like her... a lot. I'd try to make
everything perfect. I wanted to be the best friend she's ever had.
Never mad, never rude, always helpful, always available if she needs
someone to talk to, always willing to do favors, an unlimited source
of support. She once said that in "A Walk to Remember" (I still
haven't seen that but my mom said I'd like it a lot and said I'd
probably cry because my dad did and I'm a lot like him), the guy
makes all the things on her list happen and it was so neat. Yeah,
good luck for me trying to do that. I just end up making things
worse.
So I'll just go along with whatever and be the lonely car-pusher
out in the cold, dark, and rain where I belong. It's much more
peaceful and nothing messes with my mind. |
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