I left and, after a while, they tried to call me back. It was too late. They didn't want me back, they just didn't want me to feel bad. I had nothing to add to their discussion. I wasn't in the problem, so I can't be part of the solution. I wasn't needed. I do have a problem with feeling sorry for myself and trying to make others feel bad when they make me feel bad. I admit that it feels good to have people call me back, and then get sad when I don't.

But then Jamie said I take things too seriously, and that just dished another blow to me. Another false accusation against me. Against my intentions. I didn't take it too seriously when they said to "shut up". I just did what I felt would be the best. I did what would be the most efficient. At the time, it was having me out of the picture. People always have to get feelings involved and worry about hurting mine. In that way, I was another interruption. Why do they have to worry about hurting my feelings? I didn't want to interrupt, but they were forcing me to. At least they continued on despite it. The chat was really for me to see what they said.

Kelli said something about how she could understand how Jamie's 3 entries made me feel because they were similar to the entries I wrote about her when I was "angry". That's something she doesn't understand. I wasn't angry. I didn't let my feelings make decisions for me. I was hurt and felt stupid for believing in something that wasn't there. I couldn't accept the idea of giving her up. I couldn't accept giving up on her. What I wrote in my entries was how I felt; what I believed. I honestly didn't expect her to feel bad if she read them. She had played with my feelings, I thought, and I assumed if she even read my diary still, she would laugh at how stupid I was for believing her lies and acts all this time. I made up my mind to be strong. I wouldn't be the weak person. I wouldn't hesitate to say things to her just because I didn't know how she would take them. I'd just talk how I felt and I thought she would respect that. It rewarded me with her leaving, saying she thought it was the best idea if we never talk again. That, to me, was like a best friend dying.

But she came back and I ignored my thoughts to turn her away for what she had done to me. I knew it was most likely a mistake to let her back into my life. I was probably falling into yet another trap. I was letting her prove to herself that she still had control over me. She could still bend me to her will. I took that chance, because I'm terrible with turning people away. I thought there might be one tiny chance that we could have back that friendship and I wasn't about to miss out on it.

When she left the chat and had to go to bed, I wished I had talked more. I didn't really feel bad that she was leaving. It was a normal thing for her to leave. I didn't want her to stay up later than she should and lose sleep.

Once I closed the chat window, I felt the happy mood of the chat close with it. All the things said in it were constructive, happy, or both. When I closed out of the window, it felt like all that went away and I was back in reality. I still had Jamie here, but it's not the same. My parents came home and I started complaining about what they might say to me and Jamie hugged me. That should have made me feel at least a little comfort. Strangely, I had to think about what *hugs* meant to realize what she was doing. Only then did I notice that I missed Kelli. I didn't want her to sign off. For some reason I really craved the feeling I have when I'm talking to her. It doesn't matter what is said. I feel at peace just having her attention. I used to try to say the best thing possible. To me, everything I said was a potential point for me in her eyes. That's not the case anymore. I don't have to try to say a certain type of thing. The relaxing feeling is there no matter what I say. I'm not sure what it is. Some might say I'm in love. Heh, I'm sure she wouldn't enjoy that too much. She likes things simple. I wouldn't want to hinder our friendship with feelings like that. It ruined it once before. But does it matter if I love her or not? I don't really think so. It's just a label. Labels mean rules. I don't like rules. I follow how I feel. How I feel is that I'm comforted by her presence, and that's reason to live near her. The only thing stopping me is fear, and love for my family. I'd also be moving from what I believe and the people of the church who practice it. It's really a hard decision. How did this go from having a chat to moving to live near Kelli? It's funny how the mind works.