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| [Private Entry] |
| Rare
feeling-expressing 2 |
12/31/2003 |
| I'll talk about the feelings I had during past events
involving Kelli and Jamie. I was stuck on Kelli, that's obvious. I
had dreams for the future, but above all, I wanted to someday be to
the point where I'd see her as often as I see my family now. After
that, some things happened. I tried getting her to confirm how she
felt about me and failed. She talked about how if I want someone to
tell me if they have those feelings for me or not, I'm looking in
the wrong place. She several times mentioned how she wishes I'd look
for other people to be with and she wishes I would have
girlfriend(s) so that I wouldn't just be basing my feelings for her
on nothing. She was never certain about anything regarding us being
together and it just seemed like she was nicely trying to push me
away. I talked to Todd and Kristen about it and Todd, who is
familiar with depressed people and being one himself, said it sounds
very much like Kelli is borderline. He said his ex-girlfriend was
borderline and you can't really have a relationship with someone who
is that way and untreated. Kristen agreed with that. He said I'll
always be unhappy with it and never feel like I'm with her all the
way. Randy always says how he can definitely tell that I'm depressed
whenever I talk about her, and Jamie says she can see it, too. Her
mom said that Kelli sounds like an attention seeker and that she
pushes me away because she knows it will make me try harder. Jamie
said Kelli could be keeping me around because she knows whenever she
wants attention, I'll be the first to give it, though she can't say
for sure. I asked what would happen if I stopped giving it. She said
that Kelli might try to get attention from someone else, she might
be really sad, she might try harder to get attention and be really
nice, she doesn't know. Now, I'm not going to just believe what
other people say since they can't read her mind, but I have things
of my own experience as well. I'd send her things for Christmas and
her birthday, for graduation, and for no reason, and never got
anything in return (I didn't really mind that) but she never sounded
really appreciative of it. Sure, if I brought it up later, she'd say
that she liked it a lot, but it always seemed that she didn't really
like it. A good example is the necklace. When I was visiting Kelli,
her mom was looking for a necklace to buy for us that would be in
halves so we could each wear one. I liked the idea, so when I got
back to Oregon, I bought one (the only one they had) and sent her
half. I wore it all the time because to me it was a symbol of our
friendship and also it represented her, and I wanted it close to my
heart. Sure, it's girly-looking, but that wasn't the point. Anyway,
I found out that Kelli didn't like it and didn't wear it. She could
only see how it was girly and she didn't want to wear it (like
anyone would ever see it if she didn't want them to). Jamie sent me
a necklace with the Japanese symbol for "happiness" and I put it on
my shelf since I already wore a necklace and they would get tangled.
It wasn't until recently did I really think about the situation.
Here I bought a necklace for Kelli and me to share, and she didn't
even wear it, so I was wearing something that was meaningless, and I
was picking that over one that Jamie bought for me. I switched to
Jamie's necklace and have been wearing it since. I talked with Jamie
on the phone a lot after that and decided that even though I didn't
like her that way, she'd probably make me happier than Kelli would
just because of how she's treated me so far. Everything I wanted
from Kelli, I get from Jamie. She also deserved some happiness and I
was the one who could give it to her. I had a chance to make someone
happier than they've been for a long time. It was either that or
deny her because I was hoping for something else that had a good
chance of not happening. I decided I'd give Jamie a chance, and give
it my all. It wouldn't be fair to do it half-heartedly just because
I didn't feel the same way. I'd be the one for her no matter how I
felt. I'd put my feelings aside, even in the trash if need be. She
doesn't need someone who's fake. She needs the real thing. If I
ignore my feelings, I can be just as good as that for her and since
I've started dating her, there is no going back without making her
feel even worse. I even got to where I didn't notice any feelings
for Kelli at all. Jamie always would say how Kelli is complaining
about me and how Jamie would hate it because the things Kelli
complains about me, those are what Jamie loves about me. I'd always
find myself wanting to ask Jamie what Kelli said about me, but I
wouldn't have to because Jamie would bring it up first.
Then I talked to Kelli again after the long while we had while I
wasn't online, and she talked about how I didn't understand her and how
our plans for sharing an apartment were now ruined and such. I felt
myself thinking I made a mistake, that I acted too soon and without
thinking. I hadn't even considered that Kelli might have feelings
for me; might want to be with me. But it's too late now, I made a
commitment to Jamie and with me, those things last. I won't be like
a typical guy who goes after the next girl he sees. I'm going to be
a good boyfriend and stick with it. Even though I still have
feelings for Kelli and they make no signs of diminishing, I can make
Jamie happier than I could be with someone else, so I'll put Jamie
before me. |
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