|
|
| It's not the
milk's fault |
2/16/2004 |
*deep breath* Well, hello again. I'm back for a bit
from life. Man, is the world a crazy place or what? All different
kinds of people. You can never know what to expect. The problem is,
everyone, whether they mean to or not, assumes that anyone they come
across will handle situations in the same manner that they themselves
would. So with that said, everyone puts meaning into anything being
said to them according to what they would mean if they had said it.
That works great if the other person is exactly like you. Of course,
as I said before, there are "all different kinds of people." One
specific type I had the displeasure of being in poor favor of will
be exposed here. After which I'd hope you share my view that the
world is "a crazy place".
This person I speak of is inconsistent
in all things of an emotional base, and emotion happens to be the
main player in her thoughts/actions. Despite this unfortunate
combination, she is a nice and caring person. I first met her on
this site, during one of the few times the server was up. I am nice
by default, so we got along well. I give joy through compliments,
and she enjoyed getting them more than most I've come across. We
began conversing through AIM, the program of which the creators
should be given a lifetime of lasagna, assuming they have good taste
in food. Before long, we had exchanged pictures. Hers were the ones
of a victim of many statements indicating a lack of interest for
future communication by the other person. My honest, yet gentle,
reply was that her looks weren't what I looked for in a girlfriend,
but that I wasn't talking to her looks. I cannot imagine why someone's
appearance would determine whether something so personality-based as
a friendship could be established or not, especially in the
situation where one only sees words on a screen or hears a voice in
a phone. Nevertheless, the truth rose above the words and that's
what she heard: she was not pretty. During most of the time I knew
this girl, one of the things she'd never fail to mention was that
her reason for wanting to lose weight was purely health-related,
though I later realized that health-related meant ego-related. Her
ego was almost non-existant. After telling me that she wanted to
weigh less for health-purposes, she would complain to my friend that
I didn't think she was beautiful, though when talking with me, she
would make perfectly clear that she desires not to be told lies for
sympathetic purposes. As things progressed and the friendly flirting
continued, she included me into the group of males that she has
loved more than the others. It was a stirring of special feelings at
first, but quickly escalated to mad love as she read my words
stating my observation of the beauty of her personality. I retained
no feelings beyond friendship-type for her, so when she hinted to me
of her wish to begin a romantic relationship, I declined. This was
the first injustice I inflicted upon her. Around a week later, she
asked me to reconsider, saying to give it a chance with her. I
refused yet again.
A this time, I put the limit on myself to wait
until marriage before engaging in the only activities that anyone
would wait until marriage for. It was a good thing to do, though I
did desire to sleep with someone, nevertheless. If we didn't have
those feelings, we wouldn't reproduce. My mind does not default to
thoughts of this as some people's do, but the desire was still there
and the opportunity to please it with someone who wanted the same
was tempting. I understand that one could look at it and conclude
that I was using her feelings for me to "get some", and that would
have been the case, and I would have been at fault, if I was giving
her false impressions. To prevent such, I made every effort to
assure her that our "cybering" was purely for pleasure and was not
influenced by any hidden feelings I had for her. She always
indicated that she understood. This was how I led her on, causing
her more pain.
As I struggled with my own feelings for another
friend who is not sure what she wants and therefore would not admit
or deny any feelings for me, I took advantage of my friendship with
the the first girl by complaining/venting to her about it.
Naturally, wishing to have me as more than a friend, she saw this as
an opportunity to gain my heart. In my state of longing for the
romantic affection of my other friend, she displayed before me what I was missing
from my friend and explained how I would receive that which I seek
from her. It was quite logical, actually, and I was convinced to
give it a shot. I knew how I felt when I liked someone and they
didn't like me back or give me a chance. I decided to give her a
chance, give her the happiness she sought, and be treated in a way
I've wanted for so long. We both knew I harbored no feelings beyond
friendship for her, and we stuck that in the back of our minds. I
was determined to cast my own feelings aside and give her the good
relationship she had waited for. So she became my girlfriend. She was overjoyed and I was happy I
was giving happiness to someone after so many attempts in the past
that turned out worse for the individual. We even made plans for my
visit to her where we would play out the same fantasies we imagined
during our online "cybering". I naturally desired it, she did as
well. Where was the harm in that?
Alas, things are rarely
consistent. My other friend and I started talking more. My
girlfriend began talking with my friend. According to my girlfriend,
the other would complain about me behind my back. My friend later
brought up how my girlfriend wasn't innocent of this, either. My
girlfriend would complain to me about my friend saying bad things
about me while being sweet to my face. She claimed my friend would
"throw in her face" the fact that I did not love her back. She also
said that my friend gloated about me calling her. |
| |
| previous entry : A long-time-no-me
kinda title |
next entry: It's not the milk's fault
2 | |
