My girlfriend, already sadly aware of my lack of
feelings for her, hated to be reminded and was upset about being
bragged to about me calling my friend instead of her, even though it
was the first time I called my friend in a long time. In addition to
this, my girlfriend naturally had her doubts and worries since I, in
fact, did not share her feelings for me and her friends worsened
those fears by telling her how it would not work out and that I was
just using her. It became a normal thing for me to be required to
undo her fears and doubts, magnified by her friends, before any
pleasant conversation could take place. In the meantime, I jumped
into defense mode and informed my friend of my girlfriend's distaste
in her lack of sincerity and asked her to stop. My friend was quite
offended at both of us at first, but realized I had done nothing
wrong, and turned her attention to my girlfriend. My friend
explained to me how she would say certain things to my girlfriend in
such a way as to not cause concerns to arise about my friend's
possible feelings for me. She noticed my girlfriend's fears about
losing me due to my lack of feelings for her, and she would refrain
from saying things in a way to prevent my girlfriend from thinking
she wanted to take me away from her. My girlfriend saw these things
as indications that my friend didn't care about me and was just
pretending to befriend me to my face. It became decreasingly
enjoyable talking with my girlfriend, since talks were less and less
about fun things and more and more about her fears and her being
lonely when I don't get online. At some point I didn't get online
for a few days and she was letting what her friends told her get to
her. She was leaving me emails saying she thinks she's losing me
when all I had done was fail to get online a few days. I would come
home from work tired and she'd want to talk for a long time. She
later referred to this as "not reasons... excuses" in a diary entry
she wrote. I emailed her back, responding to the assumptions she
made, based on her fears, and telling her how they weren't true, but
I was getting tired of having to continually reassure her that I
wasn't avoiding her or any of the other things she was afraid I was
doing. She responded back and said that it's up to me to decide if
we stay together or not. Frankly, I had decided that this whole
situation was a bad thing to do from the start, since I never
expected it to last, but I gave it a chance anyway. I wanted to see
if it would prove my gut instincts wrong. It turned out to be where
she was unhappy and lonely, when this whole relationship was started
to show her what a good relationship would be like, and I no longer
enjoyed being with someone whom I had no feelings for. I determined
that it was inevitable that it would end sometime, and the longer I
let it go, the more it would hurt her when it ended. I decided
against emailing her back and picked up the phone to call her. We
discussed the situation thoroughly and I explained why I thought it
would be a good idea to break up. I asked what her opinion on the
matter was, after hearing my thoughts. She said she would not make
the decision, it was all up to me. She also said that we would cease
to be friends if it was ended since it would be the last time she
let me hurt her. I felt really bad about the whole thing and decided
to stay together to see if things would get better. I quickly saw
how nothing would change, as far as my presence online and her need
for my company. One night, when I had told her I was going to be on
late to talk with her, it turned out that I had to get up early and
would be unable to stay late, so I didn't feed any attempts to be
flirty, since I knew it would end up with her wanting to talk to me
longer and longer. She said she was lonely, and I knew that it was
starting again. Only later did she tell me that she was just
teasingly saying it to get a hug, but that's what made me decide to
stop being a wimp and do what needed to be done for both of us. She
needed someone who would love her back and I could already tell that
it wasn't going to be me. As long as she stayed with me, she would
miss any chances with someone else. I also didn't like feeling
guilty about talking to my friend, whom I liked. I brought it to her
attention that I thought it be the best to break up. Her first
protest was that I was just looking for a reason to break up. Then
she accused me of being with her just to "get some". When she
reminded me that she'd no longer be my friend after that night, I
told her that I'd rather lose her as a friend than continue
something that wasn't real and end up hurting her more. She took
that and turned it into me not caring if I lost her as a friend or
not. After many attempts to explain the good behind it and her
saying that I'm punishing her and that I don't care and that I was
breaking her heart 10 times more than any of her past boyfriends, I
decided there was no way I could make it any easier on her. I was
the bad guy no matter what I said, and my attempt to explain it to
her as honest, yet nice as possible was slandered, in her version,
into a heartless and cold murder of her feelings for me. After
that night, remembering how she said she hoped I never found
happiness, after me telling her I hope she does, and also that she
said that night would be the last I ever talked to her, and added to
by her continual mentions in my friend's diary that I'm no longer in
her life, I have taken her off my buddy list, seeing no reason to
have someone on there who is obviously never going to talk to me. In
the event that she didn't mean it, she would have been lying for all
that time during our break-up, something she accuses me a lot of.
Then I hear from a mutual friend that she told him I'm mad at her
and that I blocked her. Tell me, why would someone, who never wants
to be my friend again and who makes a complete, uncaring jerk out of
me on her diary, care if she was on my buddy list or not? Like I
said: "the world is a crazy place."
