I was driving today, looking for stupid jobs, and wasting gas, and all I wanted was to be where Kelli was. I want to hold her in my arms and have her tell me that she was wrong when she said for the hundredth time that she has no feelings for me. Oh, how I wish that was true. Why do I always have to like the one who doesn't like me back? Why do I always find the people with no interest in me? Why do I wallow over them until they get fed up enough with my clinginess that they stop being my friend? I do so much for people and they wash their hands of me like I'm some germ. They don't even give any reason. Kelli was different, or so I thought. She said she liked me as more than a friend. I finally found someone who liked me back. Finally I wouldn't have to feel unloved. Finally I wouldn't have to feel alone. There was someone whom I liked who also had feelings for me. There was a chance of me having a girlfriend, finally. I'd be happy. Then I have to be told by her that she doesn't like me as more than a friend and she just thought she did. Why? What did I do? Why can't someone just like me for who I am? Is it like having the plague around to have feelings for me?

We had our rough times, but then she said she had feelings for me again. I visited her house and we had a wonderful time. We had a really nice, romantic night the last night we were together. Nothing dumb like sex or anything. We just enjoyed each other's company. I really really liked spending every second with her. When I left, I missed her so much. I cried over it. She missed me, too. She said that she really enjoyed the last night we had together and we made plans for me to move there to be with her. She said she had considered even kissing me that night. Kelli, who would tell me that she found no pleasure in kissing, said she was thinking about kissing me on our last night. Just that thought felt so good. She said she was crazy about me and even told one of her friends that she was sort of promised to me, because we figured it was a pretty good chance that we would get together after I moved there. Things couldn't have gotten any better at the time. I finally had my dream. I had some of my happiness, and a good chance of having all of it in the near future.

Then my family's money became tight and I lost my job and Kelli became less and less interested in coming online to talk to me. She suddenly ceased to come online at all and seemed very uncaring to me when I called. She said she just didn't feel like getting online for a while. I got feelingless responses to my emails when I got responses. Any attempts on my part to reach out to her or to be nice seemed to be slapped down.

She finally came back from being offline and gave the impression that nothing had happened and everything was fine. She still didn't get online as much as she used to and requested that I delete any emails she had sent me and any saved conversations, as well as her notes on this diary. She deleted her diary. She said it would make her happy. Of course, I did as she asked, against what I wanted, because her happiness is important to me. Perhaps that's my mistake. She told me that she has no feelings beyond friendship for me and probably never did. She also doesn't want me to call her anymore, and wouldn't give me even the decency of a reason. I'd go crazy trying to figure out a reason on my own, and it would most likely be wrong, like most of the conclusions I come up with to explain what she does.