After church, I found Bro. Jim and asked him when he'd be able to help me with my car. He said he definitely wouldn't be able to today with the visiting brethren staying at his house. He said if he's not busy, then he'd call sometime during next week, but no matter what, he'd be available Friday afternoon and Saturday. Well, that's that, I suppose.

Sis. Heather is getting married to the new brother, Bro. Rich, soon and her "shower" is today, so my mom, Andrea, Amy, and Catie are all over at Bro. Steve's house for that, so my dad had Bro. Steve, Bro. Don, and Bro. Craig over for pizza. I had to mow the lawn in front before they came so I was kicked off the computer by my dad when I was in the middle of working on my DD. I didn't have any more ideas at the time, anyway, so it was alright. We got Papa Murphy's pizza, which you take home and bake. I haven't had that in a long time. It's really good stuff.

Well, aside from all that, I've been thinking about things. When you are mowing part of your 2-acre yard on a rider mower, you tend to do that. I was thinking about all the things with Kelli and me. I was thinking about how she doesn't get online nearly as much anymore. She wouldn't normally email me unless I emailed her first, so that's not anything new. She's deleted her diary on this site, which isn't really anything I can complain about, but it just makes it seem lonely on here. A year or so back when I didn't have any diaries and she was on TOD, I would read hers and she finally said that I should get one. We both had TOD diaries and both noted each other all the time. She moved to this site and well... I wasn't in the diary-writing mood at the time so I just copied mine and deleted it. Since then she's deleted hers and I made this diary. It was just lots of fun both having diaries where we would read the other's and note them. She's recently lost her interest in that, which I can't blame her for, but like I said, it makes it a little lonely here.

But anyway, I was trying to figure out some things. There are so many different pieces of advice that it's hard to know which to follow. Some people would tell me that everyone walks all over me and I have to stand up for myself. Some say you have to pretend that you don't care and that will draw the other in. I've been told that you have to let the other person know that you are willing to lose them if need be. All those have something in common. You have to be strong and not let people know what gets to you. You have to act like you don't care so they will miss you. But that seems so... dishonest. I don't want to gain anything from dishonesty. Still others tell me to just be myself. Well, no offense, but being myself is what got me into all those lonely positions with people walking all over me and knowing they can do anything to me without any retaliation. I don't want to seem desperate, because then people will have leverage with me all the time. I'd like to be able to give someone up if they don't seem to be treating me how I'd like or don't seem to be the kind of person I'd be happy having a relationship with, but sometimes I just get so lonely and I don't want to do anything that might have a chance of me losing what I have. I see things in an a-bird-in-the-hand-is-better-than-two-in-the-bush kind of way. People tell me there are other fish in the sea, but when you feel really strongly about someone, even if you can't put your finger on what exactly you like about them, it's extremely difficult to consider giving them up and starting over with someone else. Maybe that's part of being mature. Maybe I'll just have to move on. Maybe I've tried enough... possibly way more than enough, and there's a time when you have to let it go because it's not worth it. But the problem is that it feels worth it. It feels worth all the effort and waiting in the world if it will someday pay off and I'll get what I've wanted for so long. But there is also the possibility to consider that it may never happen and all that waiting was in vain, so there must be a time when it becomes too much, but if it won't be that time until 5 years or it already was a year ago, I can't be sure. Maybe I don't want to bother with it.