So now I'm sitting here with my knees bouncing up and down and my cell phone right here knowing that Ashlea isn't going to call me but hoping against all knowledge that she will. I'll be fine for a while. I won't feel anything. I'll just be talking to someone and everything will be fine. I won't even think about her. But then I'll be doing something, not even a trace of a thought of her in my head, and this feeling will come over me and I'll need to get up and immediately she will come rushing into my conscious thoughts. No amount of "get a hold of yourself, Jason" or "for crying out loud, stop being so stupid, Jason" will do anything. I'm hoping I'll feel better tomorrow. However, I know that after I left Kelli's, I didn't end up crying until several days after. All the days before that were like this, but they just got worse. I'm hoping the days after today won't get worse. I don't want to feel like this. I'm sitting here wanting to cry because it will feel good and I'm thinking I'll feel better once I do. I actually just started to right now but it went away right away.

I understand what she was saying. I'm just not the right person for her. I'm sorry, but it's hard not to be passionate right now. So... fuck! What the fuck does she mean I'm not right for her? There's nothing wrong with me. I'm sure as hell not perfect. No one is. I have my flaws. She's not perfect. But I was willing to be with her anyway. I know we weren't totally compatible. We didn't have a lot of the same interests. Okay, so when I would talk about stuff that didn't interest her she felt bad for not caring more. Well so what? She doesn't wanna change me. So don't! I don't have to change. I'm fine how I am. There are some things that could be better and I see them and want to change them because I'm tired of them, but even with those things, there's no reason someone couldn't be happy with me. I know that some people are too different. I'm not going to satisfy someone who wants to go party and drink every night. Maybe she really is like that and was just toning it down because she was with me and I wasn't like that. She doesn't seem like that type, though. She seems like the calm, soft-mannered type of girl. She seems like my type.

Maybe she was being fake to me. If so, then I can understand us not being right for each other. But just going off of how she was around me, she is a lot more appealing than any other girl I've met. The things I didn't like weren't that big of a deal. I was more than happy to see past them. I wasn't settling for her. I wasn't taking what I could get. I saw her how she was and liked what I saw. I felt good around her. She made me want to change all the things I didn't like about myself, even without her saying anything about them.

She said she doesn't want to do to me what Evan did to her. She saw me in her position and herself in Evan's position. She wasn't who he saw himself with. I guess there were too many things that he didn't like about her and he couldn't get past them, so he broke it up. She didn't want to turn into him, so instead of letting it go on for a year or so, she was stopping it before it got too far. Well, she is doing what Evan did. She is like him. She just made the decision faster. She didn't drag me as far in the mud, but she still left me there and turned around and left. She said all the little insignificant things she doesn't like about me, when added up, are too much for her to get past and be happy with me and it's the same thing Evan had with her. But instead of finishing the sentence with "and I don't want to be like Evan, so I'm stopping it now", what would have made her different from Evan would have been if she finished it with "and I don't want to be like Evan, so I'm going to look past them and stay with you."

Like I said, she had things about her I didn't like, but I'm not going to give up on someone over that. There are things I don't like about Laura and I wouldn't wanna date her again, but if we hadn't broken up and she hadn't done what she did, I would still be with her and happy because she treats me right and cares for me and is a good person, despite what I may not get along with. I can find ways around the things I don't like. I don't need to change her and I wouldn't want to. I can put up with the things that annoy me just like she can put up with the things I do that annoy her. And believe me, we do a lot more things that annoy each other than Ashlea or I ever did to each other. Ashlea and I seemed to think a lot more the same way. I could give Ashlea a hard time about something and she would recognize it and play along. Laura would usually take it personally and get upset. But with everything I may not like about Laura, she was still worth sticking it out for. I can think I'm angry at Ashlea, but I'm not. It just makes me angry that I wasn't worth it for her. It makes me feel angry and helpless and hopeless. And I wanna go fuckin' do something or go somewhere but I know nothing will quench this thirst.