But this happening to me made me realize something. Everyone always says girls want what they can't have. That means you can't be too available. That means you have to act like you don't care and they will stay with you. It's the most common thing I hear about this. And I thought, "How sad, that the only way to keep someone with you is to make her feel insecure. I wouldn't be happy making the girl I'm with feel that way. I don't want to have a relationship like that. I just want to love and be loved. I want to show her that she's #1 to me and for me to know that I'm #1 to her." And that made me really think. A lot of people have that mind that you can't seem desperate and all that and trying to make the other person think you don't need them. What are the chances that I'll find someone like me AND that they like me? I'm thinking pretty slim. I didn't know dating was going to be like this. I don't want to deal with mind games.

And then I remembered my parents' church. No one there plays mind games. Everyone who is married has the same kind of relationship that I want. No one cheats, they don't do any of that stuff. They are just happy being together and that's that. I'm tired of trying the hard way where there is a small glimmer of hope and you have a really good potential to have a lot of heartache along the way.

But it wasn't just Ashlea I was missing. As I said in an earlier diary entry, she made me take notice of all the things in my life that I didn't like. I wasn't motivated to change any of them and so I'd just put them out of my mind and made myself think I was happy. But she not only made me notice them and want to change them, but she brought out my motivation and everything seemed worth putting in the effort for. And then she left and I was left with a bunch of things I wanted to change and no motivation to change them. I felt hopeless. I felt everything was hopeless and that no matter what I did I wouldn't be happy. Then I realized that I really wasn't happy. I'm not content with my life. Only God can give you true happiness that will last. I didn't feel I needed God because I thought I was already happy and I wanted to do it on my own. But I'm not and I can't do it on my own. I can pursue happiness, sure, but God's really the only way to find it. Plus, he gives the motivation to change and tells you what to change. He knows me better than I know myself and he knows what is best for me. I want to be guided by him and put my problems and my future and my faith in his hands because they are sure better hands to be in than my own.

So, I went to church last night and I didn't feel anything. It kind of discouraged me. I know I want to be a part of it and I know it's the right thing, but I don't feel a huge desire for it. I'm told I have to pray to God for him to show me his love and to help me to love him. I'm told I've taken the first step and to feel comforted by that because, ya'know, I'm going in the right direction and I'm going to be really happy. Laura was really feeling depressed because if I'm in the church I can't be living with a girl I'm not married to, so one of us is going to have to move out. She didn't want me to leave. She doesn't want to be without me. I know how she feels. I don't want to leave her, either. I'm going to miss her. She doesn't want the only time I hang out with her to be because I'm hoping she will join the church. I understand that. But this is what I have to do for myself. It's not that she's evil or anything and I wouldn't want anything to do with her. I care for her and I'd just want what's best for her. Same goes for Ashlea. It would be nice to hear from her sometime, but if we were to hang out, it would be because she would be interested in the church. I care for her, too, and want her to be happy. It sucks not being happy. I think it would be wonderful if she came in.

So, last night I went and deleted any sexual conversations with anyone I had saved. I went and deleted all my hundreds of pornographic pictures that I spent much time over the years accumulating, as well as the videos. I kind of miss them and it seems a waste because I really liked them and spent a lot of time getting them, but it's not really that big a loss compared to what I'll gain. I deleted all my online dating accounts because I don't need them. I'm just going to be right with God and be happy and then if he brings someone my way, great. I'll know she'll be the one for me and she would be a much better match for me than anyone I could have picked out. What's hard now is being in the limbo stage. I'm trying to change and be pure and seek God but without the motivation from God yet. But I know I'm doing the right thing and that everything will turn out great. It's a sure thing. It's the only guarantee of happiness.