I've already told her how I feel. I miss her. I love her. I even ended up crying on her shoulder at one point. I apologized for not giving her the affection she needed. She says it wasn't my fault, but it was. It was partly because she didn't know how to communicate her needs to me, partly because I was too stubborn in the belief that I was doing all I should have to do that I didn't try to see if it really was what she wanted. I know I'd be much better if given a second chance. I know I'd be what she needs. It didn't really hit me before that she needed touching and caressing affection more than the giving of my time to do favors and running errands for her affection. The willingness was there, I just was going about it wrong.

She tells me things like I'll find someone better and try to get over it and stuff like that. I don't need that kind of stuff. Laura's the one for me. Yeah, I really liked Ashlea, but that was just strong feelings that developed rapidly and were taken away rapidly. Laura can't compare. Laura's not someone I can lose. She's part of life. It would just be wrong. It would be factually incorrect. It's like saying that 1/10 of the laws of physics are incorrect. It goes beyond me wanting her back.

Even now, it still feels like she is doing this just to make me jealous. I constantly feel like telling her that it's enough already. It's gone on long enough. Joke's over. I mean, she accidentally rubbed against me and told me sorry. Sorry? For what? You think I don't like it? You mean suddenly you don't enjoy something you would purposely do just a few weeks ago? Don't give me sorry. Your feelings can't change just because of the title "girlfriend" you gave to yourself. And that's another thing. She says she still loves me (of course she does, that wouldn't change that easily) but that she can't love me that way. Can't? As in, you're not allowed to? As in, you want to, but you can't, but you would if you weren't with him? She came into the bathroom and saw me on the toilet and apologized. Why apologize to me? I don't care. She always saw me before and it was no big deal. It hasn't changed just because someone else is trying to take her away from me. She's not doing me any wrong by seeing me. Nothing has changed between us. The only person who should care about that is him. She's really taking this boyfriend thing too far.

So meanwhile, I still have the desire to give her affection like I always had. Only now, I realize how she needs it and I'm eager to give it to her, but it feels awkward because she keeps turning to him for it. I really want to hold her and kiss her and hold her hand and lie next to her, but that's all reserved for him and they have no shame in doing it right in front of me. Well, I won't be deterred that easily. I've started doing things that I know she always liked me doing. I'm pretty lazy and don't clean much. I've decided to clean up a lot more. I cleaned the kitchen spotless yesterday. She came in and asked me why I cleaned it. I told her it was because I know she likes it clean. Richard says he's lazy and never cleans, either. Maybe this will be a difference between us, even if it doesn't change anything.

When she was at work, I texted her and told her that I missed her. I never told her I missed her, but she always did to me. When she came home, she gave me a hug. I hugged her long and tight. I didn't always want hugs before. I'm trying to smile when she looks at me. When given the chance, I'll put my hand on her shoulder or foot in a small sign of affection. When she had been throwing up, I don't think Richard did anything for her other than maybe cuddle with her. I can't really do that right now, but I did go out and get her ginger ale and chicken soup. I didn't have a working car, so I had to walk 40 minutes to the store and 40 back. Richard would rather play video games. I gave her a back massage last night and she said it really felt good. I also massaged her feet like she would often want me to before. It may be a lost cause, but I'd regret not doing all I can. If it doesn't work out, I don't want it to be because I didn't try. She's worth fighting for and I wouldn't be happy giving anything less.